Domestic Violence and How You Can Help

Domestic violence is an issue wherever there are people and Portland is no exception. Thousands suffer without a recourse in sight. If you’re in this position, please know there is a way out and we want to help you find it. The pain, emotion, physical, spiritual, etc., you’re being put through (despite how hard you work to follow the rules your abuser is giving you) is not okay. The pain you’re feeling makes perfect sense. The horror of not knowing which minefield you’ll step on next, the thought eating the back of your mind that you’ll never be right enough, the longing for things just to be “okay”: it’s miserable and we want to know how to help. So, to those of us who are in a position to help, have a friend or family member going through something like this, what can we do?

First, don’t assume you know what’s up and intrude. If you think you see an acquaintance or stranger being abused, you probably aren’t in a position to help and may make things worse by stepping in. Offer an ear and your kindness. DO NOT tell them you know what’s going on or go off on your own and get an outside third party involved (unless of course, you witness someone being physically injured.) Often, this will only make it worse for them when they get home and no one is watching. By offering an ear and your kindness, you make yourself available if they do actually need support and assistance. If they do come to you for help, it’ll be THEIR choice. 

If a friend or family member is experiencing domestic violence, remember that much of their life is dictated by someone who is hurting them. Don’t be the same. Don’t tell them how to fix things – it’s very likely they have spent significant time trying to fix things themselves and haven’t been able to. Definitely don’t tell them they’re doing something wrong. They hear this ALL THE TIME and this will only add to the feeling that they must somehow be responsible for their suffering. Listen to them and most importantly, be a loving part of their life. Be a light in their darkness. Show them what love looks like: non-judgmental, loyal, selfless, etc.

If they decide to come to you, it can be useful to focus on writing up an “escape plan”. Often, getting out of the trap of domestic violence can feel like an impossibility because of how intertwined the life of the abuser and abusee are. There is likely financial abuse (no access to finances), social abuse (no access to outside communities), often children (thus, threatened loss of parental rights if they leave), and much more. Be sensitive to the person you love as you work with them through this process. List all the issues that must be addressed before they can escape. Once the issues have been listed, take a break for a bit. When you come back together, begin listing action items to make leaving a reality. If you have time, be a research resource for them and come up with potential solutions for them to choose from. This can feel like a mammoth task. Get outside providers involved with your loved ones’ consent. Call to Safety is an incredible resource with advocates who will sit with you on the phone and work through your options. Begin here.

Remember as you both go through this to take a step back when you need to. It is EASY to get overwhelmed by resources, a small minority of which will actually be able to help. Take some time just to be their friend. Go grocery shopping. Get some ice cream. Just call them and make them laugh.

Finally, remember to let someone take care of you. Spend time with someone who has the emotional bandwidth to give you light and energy. The domestic violence you’re seeing may not be something you can fix but you will without doubt be a point of hope and actual love to the person you see hurting. And that matters more than you can possibly imagine.